Fading Memories

I recently read A Strangeness in My Mind by Orhan Pamuk. While I was reading the book, a strange feeling struck me hard inside my gut. I always boast about having an excellent memory, especially of people and places which hold special meaning to me. But it hit me that however good I may be, there will come a time that the memories I hold so dearly inside my heart right now will fade if I no longer share it with the person with whom I made those memories.

How do I reach this point, I will elaborate it now with the story of the book.
Mevlut is the protagonist of the novel, he is a boza seller(a Turkish drink), and he falls in love with a girl whom he met at his cousin’s wedding. The only thing that struck him hard about the girl was her big deep beautiful black eyes. He starts writing love letters to this girl and keep writing to her for the next three years during his military period. One day he realizes that if he wants to marry this girl he needs to elope with her, so he makes a plan with his cousin for this elopement. The idea is to pick up the girl from the garden at night and then walk towards some distance where his cousin has parked his van. He holds the girl’s hand and walks towards the parked car without seeing her face. And when he sees the face inside the vehicle, it hits him that she is not the same girl to whom he has been writing the letters. Now that they have made the mistake of running together, he accepts fate and marries the girl. And when he meets the girl Samiha( to whom he has fallen in love), in his marriage reception, he didn’t even recognize her.

Is this true that time makes us forget all the people whom we have lost to fate and destiny? Is it true that one day I will not recognize the person who meant so many things to me at some point in time? And suddenly I had this thought in my mind, which I wrote on my Instagram page too.

I have a fear that I will lose the tiny threads of my memories someday, like I will not able to recall some people who mattered to me at some point of time, I will forget the moments I have spent with them, the small talks we had or their faces, I have started losing some of them already. I fear I will lose more of it if I don’t store it somewhere. Hence I feel the need to write about all those trivial things that matter to me, the memories that impacted me as a person. Do you ever fear losing people or moments from your memory?”

Some people replied saying that they too have this fear of losing fragments of themselves. Hence they also write memoirs or write fiction to hold parts or pieces of their memories of people, who have long gone from their life but left them as a changed person. I feel a bit relieved now that there are people like me who hold their memories as close as me and they too store them in their words in open or in secret diaries or journals. And may be I am also fading or have faded from the memories of the people for whom I meant something at some point of time. Then I wrote these last lines for them.

“There will come a day, where you will need to clear the dust from your memories in order to catch the fading fragments of me.”

TRAPPED

“The irrational fear of not being found, when trapped in a situation, is one of the most paralyzing fears of all time.”

trapped

Have you ever thought about getting stranded at a place? From where you can see the world, but the world can’t see you. You want to move but you can’t, the situation has engulfed you, and the only solution is to wait, wait for the help to arrive, wait for someone to notice you, wait until someone feels your absence.

I have experienced it. Not a very long time ago, I got stuck in my own house. You must be wondering how can someone get stuck in their own home. My answer is yes, you can. Wait till you read my full story.

One day after dropping my in-laws and my husband for a meditation session after office, I came back home. I unlocked my house and started cleaning up the mess we create in the morning while leaving for office. I realized that I have not picked up the dustbin’s from outside while coming inside the house. I unlocked the gate and started picking up the two dustbins. Before I could even realize, the strong wind current closed the door on my face.

So here I was standing outside my house with no mobile phone, no keys, nothing. And most importantly no friendly neighbors for any help. I kept standing there for almost 5-10 minutes analyzing my situation and understanding what a fool I am, not to put a door stopper before venturing outside the door.

Then a not so brilliant idea struck my mind. I moved towards the staircase that leads to the rooftop of my building. My apartment is on the topmost floor, so I thought maybe I could jump into my balcony and from there I can try opening my balcony door. On reaching the rooftop, I realized that the height differences between two floors in more than 9ft, which is quite high to jump from, for a nonathletic person like me. I started looking for an option to decrease this height; then I saw the awning. Leaping from canopy would reduce the height difference to almost 2.5 to 3.5 ft. So I footed myself on it and jumped into my balcony, nearly spraining my ankle.

Height Differnce between rooftop and awning

Now standing on my porch, I realized that a few days ago my dear husband decided to add a security gate to the sliding doors of my balcony, to enhance the house security for me. Opening this gate without any device, for an amateur thief like me was next to impossible. But I still tried, inserting my hands in the columns gaps between the gate to open the bolted door. I kept banging the door in the hope that maybe the bolt would loosen up due to force, but nothing happened. I kept trying for almost an hour, taking breaks in between. After that, I accepted my situation and decided to wait for my husband to come back from his meditation center.

I sat on the balcony floor amongst dozens of mosquitoes, waiting. Waiting for the situation to change. Waiting for someone, to click the door open. Waiting to hear my husband’s voice. Waiting for life to occur to me. Waiting for the frame to change the color and bring the brightness back. Until then I always considered myself as a loner, I always enjoy my time being alone with myself. But that day I realized the meaning of these line by Wayne Cordeiro “Solitude is a chosen separation for refining your soul. Isolation is what you crave when you neglect the first.”

I understood how being alone with myself at my chosen time is a like a delicacy, to cherish. While on the other hand the imposed isolation due to the situation, is a total disaster. That day lying on that roof floor I found a new aspect of my personality, that, I am not someone who can live in total loneliness. I need people around me not many but at least one. That person may not talk to me, but the presence itself is so reassuring for me. Also, I realized how even after living my life out of parent’s home for almost ten years, I never decided to take a single seater room or never ventured into the idea of living alone.

I don’t know how many thoughts went through my mind in that span of three and half hours of isolation. But there came a time in my mind when all ideas stopped coming, and my mind went into a blank state of thoughtlessness.

And then the door clicked and there entered my husband. I stood up, dusted up myself, and called out his name. He looked through the balcony door, perplexed and opened the doors for me. I didn’t know what I said to him when he asked me what happened, the only thing I remember is hugging him and crying profusely like a baby. All the despair, anger, frustration and pain got washed away in those tears. And I snuggled close to him, for a very long time.

PS: Have you ever had any such experience in your life. If yes, then do share. Or have you seen or heard someone sharing any such experience, then you can share that too.

FALLEN THINGS…….

Let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall”

fallen_leaves

How often do you think about falling things? Things that get detached from its place of origin and fall to some other place, a place where they may not feel needed.

How a golden-brown leaf, smoothly swayed by the winds, fall on the pavement and over the period, they turn into pile of dead leaves. What about those black large serpents who slough their skins, leaving those colourless patterned moult to be collected by curious biologist or just decay away with time. Never to forget all-time classic example of a caterpillar hanging itself upside down from a twig and radically emerging as a butterfly.

The scientific term for this detachment is Abscission. But as you know I am more inclined towards the philosophically side, I would leave the readers to study about the process all by themselves.

So now you all must be thinking why suddenly after 6 months of disappearance from this blog and writing, I chose to write about falling things.

My reason for not writing anything from past few months, wasn’t a writer’s block. It was sheer laziness on my part. I am a lazy person in general and upon that an extremely lazy writer. But I was reading continuously like always, it’s the only thing I still manage to do despite being a certified lethargic person.

In this pursuit of reading like a manic I came across a beautiful book called Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. There was something so engulfing about the book that it stuck with me, especially the below quote:

Death is not the opposite of life but an innate part of it. By living our lives, we nurture death.”

This stayed with me for quite some time but then life took on and I forgot about it, until I laid my hands on another book “When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi. Now in this book the author is not watching others death but is the one who is dying slowly. It’s about what makes human life meaningful, even in the face of death and decay.

His words pierce through your soul, making you think that “everyone succumbs to finitudeand “you are not the only one who reaches this pluperfect state.

We all understand death, some in practical way others in a much more analytical way. It’s just that we never acknowledge its presence in our day-to-day life. We tend to hide the mysterious layers it hold inside itself. Until one day it stand across us, making us succumb to its wishes and asking us to accept it in our life.

As J.K Rowling said Death comes for us all in the end.

PS: The seed of this thought was sown by the droppings of latex on my hand while I was riding for my office. The white liquid made me think of Abscission. Hence you are reading me 🙂

PPS: I know I have written a very small write-up on such a deep thought. The reason, me being my rusty due to such a huge gap. But I promise I will get back on this some other day with much more sense and talk.

 

 

 

A LOT CAN HAPPEN OVER A COFFEE

coffee

Recently I went out for coffee with my husband to the nearest coffee chain from my home in order to relax and have our WE time. Out of habit I quickly grabbed the corner seat. I love corners… they give you so much extra space over others, both technically and romantically ;). I told my husband to get a regular cappuccino and a sandwich for me. The queue was quite long as it was a busy hour. I had no other option then to wait for my husband to get our orders. Waiting is what I hate most. To pass the time I started looking around. There were students who have bunk off their classes, couples holding hands, a group of friends talking all nonsense (bringing a smile on my face). And then my eyes got stuck on a pink beauty.

A beautiful little girl wearing a pink dress was sitting beside her mother. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. So I kept gazing at her. She was holding her mother’s hand. Abruptly her mother moved a little, the girl too shifted with her and held the hand more tightly, as the time started passing, she started tightening her grip, leaving her mother in pain, her mother started withdrawing her hand, but the girl was reluctant, the pain started appearing on her mother’s face. The girl realized this she loosened her grip a little, but didn’t leave her hand. The mother has to get something to eat, she needed to get out of this, so she played a trick. She started playing with her daughter by making different faces. The girl slowly released her hand. The mother gave her a spoon to play with and got up to place the order. This view catalyzed my thoughts.

Suddenly I realized this is what happens with our “RELATIONSHIPS”!! Firstly, we try to get into one, then we start enjoying it, but as the time passes we try to bind the person with our strength of love which becomes bondage for the other person, so he/she starts withdrawing and then we start getting nervous, tensed and cling to it like a parasite, leaving no space for breath. Now the relationship starts suffocating both of the people. So who ever realize it first starts playing games by behaving as everything is fine. With this the other person starts getting normal and love starts coming back into the relation. We become happy that now no problem will arise and think of making the relationship much stronger than before. Amongst this phase of void and realization suddenly the relationship leaves us. We are sucked up by the never-ending pain.

So never hold your relationship so tightly, suffocating your partner. Possessiveness is ok to a certain limit, but when it starts bringing hatred and pain in relation then surely you need to change. Never make other people feel as if he/she doing things at the cost of his/her basic freedom. Always give space to the desires of each other. It’s not possible to like each and everything about a person, but that should not hamper or kill the individual interest. Remember, you are first an individual. Don’t let a relation define your identity. It’s well said in order to love someone you need to love yourself selflessly. Love yourself and eventually you will start loving everything around you.
Love is a beautiful feeling. Let’s not give pain in its name. It’s just like rose with which come thorns , you just need to take care that when you pluck the rose the thorn shouldn’t hurt you so much that you start bleeding. The thing I never realized with my conscious mind was shown to me by a toddler subconsciously. This is what Life is all about where no one knows which chapter will turn out which way. By the time I was going through all this my husband appeared with our order. We had a marvelous US time there.

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness

foreveryminuteyouareangryyoulose60secondsofhappiness1

Simple yet complicated in its ways this very quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson made me think about the person whose happiness I keep ignoring. The person whose happiness is the sole reason of my existence – I, me and myself. It may sound quiet selfish to you but the fact is if you are keeping your own happiness at stake you can’t be what you want to be to the people , to the world and to yourself. So stop being a rat in this corporate mad race instead pause for a while, click the rewind button and recall what all you have missed or lost till now. When you look back, you may see a lot of pain, and a lot of bad experiences but don’t forget it’s these experiences that have helped you to be the person you are today.

A long time back I came to know of a fact through my biology teacher that when you are angry your 40 facial muscles need to work while it’s just 12 muscle effort, it all takes when you are smiling. Have you have ever pondered on it in this way?

A small little frown on your forehead when your subordinate is not able to deliver what you expected out of him or her or a displeasure feelings when you have to cancel your planned trip on last-minute due to some urgency in office, or an angry look when somebody don’t understand your point of view would affect you in such a strong way. We often ignore our feelings and don’t pay attention to what exactly could be the consequences of such a neglected attitude.

angry_smiley

These emoticons just showcase one of the few faces you make when you are boiling inside from anger. So, next time when you feel angry just rush to checkout yourself in the mirror. And I m sure you will definitely not fall in love with that face of yours.

Living life full of anger doesn’t do anything for us but waste our own time and energy that could be much better spent if focused on something else more productive. Sometimes it is very hard to escape the fact that we are angry, and that we want things in a certain way, and that we wished we would have made better decisions in our pasts. But tell me how correct is it to tie yourself to the things that are long gone or to the moments that won’t return back irrespective of how hard you may try. So “Accept the people and situations as they are and take appropriate action”.

With time I have come to realize that making yourself happy is most important. Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy. We all want to be happy. It’s just that different people define happiness in different ways. For some buying an expensive thing for themselves is happiness, for some eating at good food joint make them happy, for some it is just their well-being that it all takes to smile and for others happiness is a way of life. And happiness is nothing but a state of our mind. Remember the quality of your life depends upon state of your mind. I believe there is no one who wants to degrade the quality of their lives. So control your state of mind. You know there is very beautiful quote in Bhagavad Gita which says “The truly admirable man controls his senses by the power of his will”.

So now you may ask me how to control our state of my mind?

One way to achieve happiness on a daily basis is to learn not to take things personally. Don’t let someone else’s negativity take away from your positive energy and joy. Ignore another’s personal attacks and innuendos. Admire those who hate you because they give you the reason to check your actions but love those who criticize you as they give you the reason to do what once you thought was impossible.

Next is not everyone we encounter in our day-to-day lives is a happy person. Try to know yourself truly on the inside and out because it will give you a better understanding of what triggers you may need to avoid or surround yourself with to maintain your happiness. Having the right attitude and surrounding yourself with positive people is a great way to maintain your own happiness. Once you have become a master of your own personal happiness, making others happy will come naturally. Always remember that just being happy is something that we all can do. Often times we look at the things we don’t have and we complain, instead of being grateful for the life that we already have, and the fact that our lives will always have the potential to get better.

We always cribs for things we don’t have and focus on things like how high gas prices are, instead of the fact that we are fortunate to have a car, since not everyone is as fortunate as us to have one. Instead of seeing the wrong, or the shorter side of each situation, try to see the cup as half full. Eventually there will be a time when you realize that it is the times that you struggled that made your life worth living.

And if all the above talks look like mere philosophy than see this:

Which one of the below you want to be?

An angry bird that every one want to shoot at sight

angry_bird

Or a happy fella with whom every one wants to spend time with.

happy_fella

The choice is all yours buddy.

There is something I would like to add-on in this piece. And hope it may help you.

Don’t let your anger rule your life, because if you choose to do so, your life will never truly be enriched, for all of the anger inside of you will only kill any drive that you have that may be directing you towards your calling, and achieving real success in your life.

When you start to feel angry, remember why you are living. Think about your dreams and all of the people who may be blessed by seeing you achieve the things in life that you desire to, and then think of how selfish it is for you not to continue to strive for your dreams because of how angry you are. Stop wasting your time being angry, and live your life.

Stay happy stay blessed 🙂

There is nothing either good or bad, but our thinking makes it so!

Contradictory and Confusing – Yes Indeed! This famous quote is masterfully quoted by one of the most prolific William Shakespeare in his play Hamlet. Reading this quote made me realized that we all create our own small world of perceptions.When I was a little girl, everything in the world fell into either of these two categories. Now that I have come out of that age, I have put childish things aside. And I know that most things in the world aren’t either, instead most of everything is just different. I understand that there’s nothing wrong with different, and that we can let things be different. So we should stop categorizing things, and let them have their own way. We should remember that the magic itself is neither good nor bad. It our perception that makes things looks good or bad. For example a ship might be used for both good and bad purpose. It might be used by a fisherman to feed a village and the same could be sailed by pirates to murder. It’s we Humans who decide how things are to be put together and how they are used. No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it. It’s very easy to judge someone else’s actions by what you assume your own would be, if you were in their shoes. But always keep this in your mind that “We only know what we THINK we would do, not what we WOULD do.” Take your own example: When you join an organization, you are given training on some dumpy projects to work with but when you get into a live project than the problems and challenges faced are totally different. And so our thought process gets changed with the changing working situations. Now let’s take one another example: Imagine you come upon a house painted brown. What color? Brown. But what if I came upon it from the other side, and found it to be white? You say it’s brown, and I say it’s white. Than who’s right? Are we both right .No, we’re both wrong. The house isn’t brown or white. It’s both. You and I only see one side. But that doesn’t mean the other side doesn’t exist. To not see the whole is to not see the truth. In our society, or rather our social construct, where almost all is left up to the individual’s interpretation, the line between Good and Bad seems less perceptible. But I have found certain points to satisfy my contradictions. My experience has convinced me that most people cannot discern between good and bad. And I have often seen people saying that poor character is the only reason people do wrong things. But actually this is not the case, instead it’s the circumstances that cause people to act in a certain way. It’s from those circumstances that a person’s attitude is affected followed by weakening of character. Not the reverse. We should not take so much pleasure in noticing others faults. I don’t subscribe to any particular doctrine or ideology. But just liked this line: “The good being life in its purest, happiest form, and the other being the darker side of existence of the same”. And you need to dive into the pool to know the real depth. Now let’s take a simple instance of our childhood: I use to consider my class and course to be the toughest irrespective of my standard. But now when I get the chance of showcasing my knowledge domain to Gen-Next than everything seems to be so easy. A cleared milestone is always the easiest milestone of our racing life. I can even site a very philological example for the same: “Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it”. Being a voracious reader I had some tremendous adventures while reading. And from that experience I must say that good and bad are part of the novel, and a novel isn’t interesting if it doesn’t have some good and bad. And you don’t know what good is if bad hasn’t been a part of your life. To live a beautiful life you need to know the best and worst part of it. Even the real monsters have to have a spark of something you can relate to in order to frighten you. It’s the same thing like same film seen through different eyes and by different people can yield spectacularly different results. The review rating differs with the taste of a person. Moreover have you noticed that even with same kind of teaching tricks we do have the different effects? Each person accepts or rejects things according to their perception. What looks right now, may not be appropriate for me after few days or after few seconds. I would like to quote a few lines by a great poet Alfred Tennyson. And they go like this:

“Once in a golden hour, I cast to earth a seed, And up there grew a flower, That others called a weed.”

Now the question that pop’s up in your mind is: How can we ever achieve a standard that everyone can agree on? How could we stop judging other’s life?  How do we all agree on the same point when we come from different cultures, have different personalities etc? Is it really possible to do so? If not that what is the answer to this conflict? The answer is a very simple and easy one, you just need to understand it and apply it consciously in your own life. Spend your precious time thinking about yourself rather than wasting it in criticizing others.  Think more about your self and you will get the answer of every query arising in your head. So whenever you face a conflict with any of your colleagues, friends or family members just remind yourself that you two are different people. And say it to yourself that “I don’t judge people. It blurs out the center of my attention, my focus, I”. It’s okay to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by other people. That doesn’t give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse someone of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they are saying. Learn to recognize good writing when you read it, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what is comfortable. So if it’s so important for you to make them understand your point of view and you want to bring every one in the group to come to similar conclusion than do not judge them. Keep your self away from conclusions, not everything can be concluded. We should leave everything wide open to all the possibilities in the world. When you see people only as personalities, rather than souls with life missions to fulfill, you forever limit the growth and possibilities of what God has in store for another person thus causing a barrier in the growth of human race. So next time when you have the chance to pass a statement against someone or something than pause, think and remember:                                “You will be a beautiful person, as long as you see the beauty in others”.

                                                    

                                                                          Happy reading 🙂

Just a thought for my thoughts

                                           pondering-woman

Sitting on my office desk I sometime try to recollect the past events and think of the impressions imprinted so far in my beautiful life. Sometimes things happen just in a spur of the moment … Yes things you never thought of, do occur in your life. Some name it tragedy …some call it accident …others may move on labeling it as a bad experience but some like me (high on optimism potion) call it memoirs.

The reflection of our past often plays a vital role in our present. But tell me how often we stop our running clocks and push the rewind button to know what went wrong with our perfect – O world…hmm…Tough task in today’s world …when all of us are busy in clicking the refresh button instead off revert .Than analyzing our work sounds quiet boring .So we jump on to the old method of learning from others experience. But I think you can’t judge the depth of the pool until you dive into it. In spite of our closeness we can’t have same experiences for same situation. …we can think alike but can’t think same.

Now in this world of busy bees we learn one more term “survival “. So now for our survival we cope up with the deep levels of the life-pool…some time by flipping …some time by peddling …sometime by dragging ourselves with the help of external force…But there are few who get lost in this fight for “survival of the fittest” and get drowned .So whatever medium we choose 90 % of time we come out unharmed physically but bruised internally. These bruises could become our strength if we try to clean up our bruises on our own …But why to take so much pain when you have people around you ,who sits beside you and help you in cleaning up your created mess. And yes we do enjoy the special treatment.

 But with time you start realizing that no body can compensate your existence in this world. So you start searching the element of joy for your mind, body and soul. So if all this game of life is about realizing your true self than why don’t we try to understand our own self and learn to implement the required changes in our life. Now you will think there is nothing new in all this instead this is all that you have been doing so far but it’s just not about implementing the changes .It’s about studying all the situations that have occurred so far and made us the person we are .Analyzing the situations is very important so that we don’t repeat our mistakes.

We need to understand the simplest concept that Happiness and pain are part of our life and we do have to cope up with them. So it’s good that we realize our passion for life and make it our sword to win this world. There is a very famous quote: ‘Don’t mistake the weather for the sky’ (Kirtana – The Train Song) .This means that we can get caught up in the pain and drama of life and its emotional ups and downs. We get seduced into believing that our personal ‘stories’ are the truth, that our reactions to life’s challenges are unavoidable, and that tumult is the nature of existence. But take time to stop, look deeper and recognize what this ‘weather’ is taking place in. Be still and recognize that who and what you are is the ‘sky’, the infinite context in which the play of life unfolds. Who you really are is untouched by life’s coming and going, you can rest as that essence. I know all this sound too philosophical but when you read them twice or thrice you will know what these lines emphasize on. And you too will start pondering…just like that 🙂